Finals are tomorrow up until friday... oh god... stressing like a boss...

Getting depression, like a boss. Fuck *flips table*

-Deep breathes-

anyway, so... I'm hoping I do good, I mean, I know it doesn't actually matter really ^^" it's just... well... it more or less... means more to me, to prove that I'm smart.

Like... It ties into my depression and stuff ; ; it just, ug! If I fail it, I'll feel terrible, like a failure, but if I study or try so hard, I know I'll fail anyway, because I'll be stressed. So complicated ; ;

I just have to remember to take my medication, stay calm, go through the tests, deep breathe, and so forth. easy right?... I hope...

Tomorrow is the English, Art, and Photoshop test for me. so I should be able to do good on the Art and Photoshop section, but the English... it wavers...

I'll be updating u guys ^^" so expect alot of spam journals. You can ignore them.




HOW TO PASS A TEST (jking, I don't do this lawl XD)

Okay so.. Finals are... this week and well...

I know it sounds stupid, but really, I am great at tests, I really am, studying... not so much, and I know that these finals actually don't count so much for a grade really. only like, a little bit, like if u were on the border line of an A-, if you did good on the test, its help boost it to an A

This year... not the best... I mean... I'm doing good mostly, B's and all, but like, depression is hitting me again this year, and well... it's affecting my preformance too... And... it stinks because... I'm overly sensitive with school.

If I get a B- on a test, I feel like a complete failure. and in my World Cultures class, I've been getting C+ and lower, lets just say... I prefer not to look at my tests...



But on the bright side, my brother managed to make me feel better, once again. He told me what I needed to hear, he'd love me, even if I got terrible grades, it wouldn't matter, that I'm still his little sister. And thats what matters most to me.

And it actually turns out... he's failing nearly half of his college courses... Like... I always thought my brother was a straight A guy but... hearing that he is having flaws too... I just... I'm quite happy. Not so much for his bad grades, but that even my idol, my big brother, has flaws. But I bet his depression is hitting him hard too heh....





Anyway, So... I'm not sure when my next meeting is with my counciler, we forgot to set a date, so... proabbly not until two more weeks *sighs* "Hang in there Autumn", so... I'm going to have to stay strong until then. Then when I finally get to talk to my counciler, then I have to tell her about my... Problems, about my emotional and mental problems I've been having lately.... *sighs*

____________________________________________-

ALSO!! Commissions are CLOSED, sorry guys, but I keep getting asked and well ^^" they ARE CLOSED, for the time being. With finals and me being an art-slave, my commissions won't be open for awhile. Plus, I got new classes this next semester, and well... I have gym (stressful because I'm not atheletic), health (homework and... bad memories) and chorus (stressful.... to... a new level...). And on top of all that, I no longer have a study hall, so ALL homework HAS to be done AT HOME now... Something... I'm not use to...

*sighs*.... I just... I can feel myself getting depressed as I'm typing all this... *sighs* oh well... Just... Hang in there okay guys? Hope you'll understand.

For the mean time, I'm going to rely on adopts and stuff for extra points. so ; ; sorry

I HAVE TO SHIT!! XD sorry, needed something to keep my mind off stuff rofl

That is all

the bathroom is occupied, damn you!!

Guys... i need your opinions and help... Please, don't make fun of me, argue with me, harsh me, or do anything negative okay?...

I can't stand the negative atmosphere at this time....











________________________________________

















As many of you guys know... I've been quite depressed lately, and no, this will not affect me here on dA, as in leave, or get into argument with friends, I try to keep it to myself, but when it comes too much... I have to talk to someone... And why not those here?

Well... As you know, I've stopped cutting, for my girlfriend and those around me. And I want to keep that. But theres another issue on hand.

I know overdosing on anti-depressants won't kill you (unless u take a shit load), but that doesn't mean they don't have negative effects.


Lately, in my darkest of times, I'd want to swallow too many of them... Make me happy, throw up, something. And I know... thats not a good thing... Its a mix of... suicidal thoughts and irrational thoughts...


I just... I need help, support, suggestions, something to help...

Everytime I feel like this, I just don't take my medication at all until I feel... better, but yet at the same time, I'm still upset and sad, trying my best to be "happy". With not much success besides having a fake smile.


....help?...

Stolen from *xXDarkRaven


Your Boy Side

[x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[/] Dogs are better than cats.
[ ] It's hilarious when people get hurt.
[x] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[/] Shopping is torture.
[ ] Sad movies suck.
[ ] You own an X-Box.
[x] Played with Hotwheels cars as a kid.
[ ] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x]  You own a DS, PS2 or Sega.
[ ] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[ ] You watch sports on TV.
[ ] Gory movies are cool.
[x] You go to your dad for advice.
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[ ] You like going to football games.
[ ] You used to/do collect baseball cards.
[x] Baggy pants are cool to wear.
[x] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[ ] Sports are fun.
[x] Talk with food in your mouth.

Total = 12

Your Girl Side

[ ] You wear lip gloss.
[ ] You love to shop.
[ ] You wear eyeliner.
[ ] You have some of the same shirts in different colors.
[ ] You wear the color pink.
[ ] Go to your mom for advice.
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[ ] You like hanging out at the mall.
[ ] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[ ] You like wearing jewelry.
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[ ]Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[ ] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[ ] You are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance. ( gymnastics when i was like 6)
[ ] /It takes you around 1 hour to shower, get dressed,/ and put on make-up and accessories
[x] You smile a lot more than you should.
[ ] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[ ] You care about what you look like.
[ ] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[/] You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
[ ] Used to play with dolls as little kid.
[ ] Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it.
[ ] Like taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone/camera when you're bored.

Total = 1 1/2

Girl = 1 1/2
Boy = 12

... Girl side XD where did you go?!

I know I've been really emotional lately, on and off, today was another one of those days aswell, but that's not the point.


I just watched a sad... video... I've never seen this movie but... i want to now, it's so sad it seems  ; ;

It was just, so well, so beautiful, so sad ; ;







I'm like... on the verge of tears ; ; blah! Depression + this movie, don't go together! Its so sad ; ;


Btw, I hope you guys can forgive me... For all these emotional, serious and... stupid journals I've been posting, its just... Im thankful for those of you who care, who took the time to even comment something small. Thank you, it... It means alot.


I'm very grateful...

Okay so... Today, I had a talk with my girlfriend, and well... Let's see...

The outcome is, my girlfriend will be sticking by my side while I TRY to stop cutting.

No, I'm not saying I will 100%, I can't promise that, but I will try, and which means, I'm stopping, not for good, but for the most part, yes. It shall only be a backup, for emergancys, if I'm left for NO other choice.

I'll try to stay strong, for her. If she can handle her own addiction, I can too.


This journal is more or less a reminder to myself, what happened today, and what I have to do.



Sadly, I'm still trying to find alternatives instead of cutting. I can call my girlfriend, but... I have no phone at night when I'm normally depressed. I keep a journal, but It doesnt have the same effect.

Still trying to find ways to resolve it....





And, I'm going to tell my counciler about how I've been... Feeling lately, how I've been depressed over stupid things and such. However, I won't be mentioning my cutting *sighs* Too much at risk there.

At the moment, I'd say I'm... Not really happy, nor sad, just... there. I'm more sad than happy I'd say, I don't know why, I just am. Like I could cry, all night. Eventually fall asleep. I'm not sure why... *sighs* Oh well



Main thing is, I'm going to try. And thats what matters. Hope you all will stick with me as I overcome this...

Mom's yelling for me to get off *sighs*, one of the main people who trigger my depression *sighs*

Oh well... I'll get better, eventually, in due time...

About to get some hot coco, calm the nerves. Settle down, before going to bed.

Anyway, just talking to talk, again ^^" more like to hear myself talk, so...


IGNORE


____________________________________________

Tomorrow I got church, so after that, I'm going to finish my remaining commission, and if i'm not TOO lazy, get some other stuff done ^^"

I got an essay to write, so.. That's kind of stressful, and math homework and stuff. But otherwise...Should be okay ^^" but homework normally makes me... paranoid and stuff so ^^" forgive me.

____________________________________________

Okay, so apparently, I've been marked absent (skipped school) because my lame ass fucking teacher, DIDN'T mark me in, when I CLEARLY stated, I was using the bathroom, and he even said," Okay" and nodded. But of course -.- he didn't listen. Figures, parents. SO, now I had to clerify things with my mom, which she's all pissy so... *sighs* another night not feeling the best. Oh well...

Seems like everyday, I'm becoming more and more sensitive. Thing is, I'm still taking my medication, but like... I don't feel... any more stable than when I was off it... *sighs* oh well... For the best, huh?...

____________________________________________

*IMPORTANT, READ WITH CAUTION*

It also came to my attention that... I actually looked at this for what It may really be... An addiction. From depression, came self-harm and from that, became an addiction.

I'm not proud of what I've done, self-harm, suicide, over-dosing, and so forth. I hate what I've become to stay happy, to feel something to be... In peace.

And it came to my mind that... Maybe... it all led up to an addiction.

When I'm depressed, I become suicidal, easily, if you push hard enough. I become to the point that I'd take any number of pills, or scars to make myself happy. But... I know I shouldn't.

When I cut, I know I should stop, I know, I can go for a month, maybe two or more, but it all comes back, that need, the craving to go back. Just a silent voice saying," You need me."

It doesn't bother me, but it all comes down to, what will others think. My parents, family, my gf. If my mom finds out, I'm being sent straight to the mental hospital. No questions asked. Worse yet, my brother will feel betrayed... I cant do that do him... And neither my gf....



I don't know what to do... For about 4-days straight I've marked up myself to the point I'm quite sore in certain areas. I just don't know what else to do.

Before, sometime's I'd puke, but now I can't, I owe my brother that atleast and my girlfriend. Plus, I have a cough that could be worsened if I continued.

And I can't just bottle up my depression and cravings etheir, if I do that, it'll all bundle up until its just one huge explosion ready to happen, and when it does, I'll be a suicidal mess....

What should I do?...

I don't expect sympathy, not at all... I just want someone to listen and if you don't have anything nice to say, please don't say anything at all. I'd rather leave it at that, than with a sour taste. Thank you...