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November 20, 2012
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Leave me be...

Journal Entry: Tue Nov 20, 2012, 7:52 PM
:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight
Hot Chocolate-Aholic






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Please take this content below seriously, maturely. And if you dare to reply to this journal. Please, read over your comments and make sure you know what you're talking about. These thoughts of mine are put below to let out my anger, frustration, and hopefully make me feel better. Do not diss my feelings, or my thoughts. Do not say the words,"I understand"…Please… Every word said is another tear down my cheek. Respect my words… Please…


First things first… Im being punished, no sorry, "helped" by my mother by having the computer taking away from me. So I can do my fucking literacy homework. The class I hate, that makes me depressed to the point I can't breathe. I hate that class, I dread it, I hate the women, I hate everything! Im sorry but I have an option to change my class, but NO ONE will let me do it… Im just… Im stuck between depression and getting into a good college, or being happy and doing decent as I was before.

You want to know why I grades are so important to me? Because I'm HIS fucking girl, Im HIS damnit. I don't care if he's dead, I don't CARE, he's my boy… He was my boy… I have my gf I know but… These thoughts in my head, I want to succeed in life, for HIM. To prove im not a whore, that Im smart, his girl, that every lesson he taught me, every moment I spent with him… Wasn't wasted. I WANT to stay in that class to prove im worth something… That everything he put me through was… worth it…

People think I can handle the stress, the homework, the lessons, that they have high expectations… You want to know why I cut…. Because of the stress, the depression it caused. Im so kind, upbeat, ready to help others, but do anyone thing how I've been dealing with my own problems? Thing is… Some of you look to me for help… I have no one to look up to… My brother?... yes but.. its hard to explain… I just…  Nevermind…

I feel broken… Hurt… Because of some stupid class… I have the choice to change, but no one, NO ONE, but my gf thinks I should change… Everyone has high expectations, for one, can't someone think of me as a normal human being?.. That me, Autumn, has flaws?... IM NOT PERFECT DAMNIT!!... I just… I want to be me… I want to get in a good college, but I can't handle stress… Homework… Nothing… I cant handle it…


No one understands that… My brother is trying as hard as he can to help me, he says, he'll  tutor me but… I don't want to rely on him for everything… I can stand for myself… I just… I want to be independent… Just for once…


I want to cry, until I can't no more… But you know what… I fucking cant, cuz geuss what, I cant cry without someone barking up my tree interigating me on my depression…

For once…  Just… Leave me be… I want to quit… but no one will let me be… Ever thought of what I want?...


Just… Go to hell… let me be…

Where were you when I need you huh?... Who's your little girl, that girl who wanted to be your everything… Well she's dying… Because of it all…





I love my girlfriend... I do... And I want to move forward in life with her... But I cant fucking do that because of my past... It hurts to be stuck in depression.... I want to stay with her... Be her girl... Her autumn but... its so hard when you've worked so hard for something, to just change your plans and change... Its just... I love her so much... But Im so hurt...


So much to say, yet so little time. That is, if there's any time left.

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:iconalygatorleigh:
alygatorleigh Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Student General Artist
Well i don't know if this will help or not. But,maybe it could be you are trying to hard for this for something you really want or desperately need and,i think i have been in that situation before. So believe me when i say this: life can be very hard for each and every one of us but,there is a reason for these things and no its not supposed to frustrate or maybe even confuse us its probably supposed to help us.As i once heard on youtube: life keeps moving forward and i believe that,so maybe that means you should try to move forward the best you can and you may reply to this stating it is not that simple or something else but if you can take this under consideration.
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:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
haha ^^" it's... not exactly like that. I mean. In a way, I am trying hard, but it's like. I can only go so far. Why stress myself so much to the point of mentaly breaking down (as shown above) when I can get put in a class where I have the same learning, but without that stress? Seems easier, no?

So... I wish I switch classes, no one will let me because they have "high expectations". I have high expectations too, but not everyone can shoot for the moon and actually make it.

Anyway, we've decided I'ma stay in this class until the end of 1st semester, my brother is going to help me, and my teacher ALOT more. So uh, yeah ^^"
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:iconalygatorleigh:
alygatorleigh Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Student General Artist
that is nice that your teacher/brother are going to help you and here is a quote from a poster in my science class: shoot for the moon,even if you miss you will land among the stars.I hope that you could say, helps you
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:iconshylyn-drawing-queen:
Shylyn-Drawing-Queen Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know you've got it a lot, lot worse than me, Autumn..But I love you <3 No matter what.. I don't 'understand' you, but I know what its like to have people not understand..have everyone think its easy for you. You've got it worse than me, I know..but at least I have a bit of knowledge of what its like.

I know I look up to you for advice, but you can always talk to me...Just even to rant off, venting DOES help..it just feels good to let it all out. Go ahead and note me, whenever, I'll listen :) I may not have the best feedback..but I'm here for you. If you need to talk, I'm here, don't forget that.
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:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks hun, honestly, no one can tell who's life is worse than others... But idk, I just, when I hear people will simple easy lives complain... I just want to scream and look them in the eye and tell them to shut up. Idk... I hate it when people say I understand because... They don't walk in my shoes... I mean... You can atleast adknowledge what I'm going through, and you have an idea and that... that's enough for me
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:iconshylyn-drawing-queen:
Shylyn-Drawing-Queen Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well yeah, but what I mean is that you've experience more than me...from what you've told me... And I know the feeling..I hear stuff all the time and I'm like "THAT'S NOTHING" and i get that, too..No one can understand anything. But I do acknowledge it, at the least, and I'm glad that's enough c:
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:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:huggle: btw, theres no shame in getting help. Atm I have to get help from my brother on homework XD but I'm sure I can help you if you EVER need it ^^"

Heh, not really ^^" I'm just another average girl (not really) but you get my point. I still have a long way to go..... Lol
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:iconshylyn-drawing-queen:
Shylyn-Drawing-Queen Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Eh I don't do homework..being in middle school and all..I just like- copy off people in the morning during homeroom...do the extra credits if I get off my lazy ass..

Haha yeah XD
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:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
haha ^^" in highschool it'll matter. blah. btw, in highschool, don't take too much you can't handle *cough, me* -.- lol
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:iconshylyn-drawing-queen:
Shylyn-Drawing-Queen Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well I'll hopefully make it through highschool somewhat easily...By then I'll have a plan for my sleeping problems and medication and all that...so I'll be slightly less stressed (but probably not by a lot) but next year I'm already enrolled in three special classes..my teachers insisted...but I think I can handle it. If I pass the classes..then I get open classes in highschool..If I'm a good student in highschool, when I'm a senior..I can get out early at like 1:00...that's what my brothers are able to do..

I don't really have anyone in RL to talk to..I have a friend I can vent to..but she doesn't really help... and another who's somewhat more experienced but he can only help me get through panic attacks..
The only other person is someone with a lot of experience of what I've been through..Which is my brother's GF that I've known for three years..
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