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Leave me be...

Journal Entry: Tue Nov 20, 2012, 7:52 PM
:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight
Hot Chocolate-Aholic






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Please take this content below seriously, maturely. And if you dare to reply to this journal. Please, read over your comments and make sure you know what you're talking about. These thoughts of mine are put below to let out my anger, frustration, and hopefully make me feel better. Do not diss my feelings, or my thoughts. Do not say the words,"I understand"…Please… Every word said is another tear down my cheek. Respect my words… Please…


First things first… Im being punished, no sorry, "helped" by my mother by having the computer taking away from me. So I can do my fucking literacy homework. The class I hate, that makes me depressed to the point I can't breathe. I hate that class, I dread it, I hate the women, I hate everything! Im sorry but I have an option to change my class, but NO ONE will let me do it… Im just… Im stuck between depression and getting into a good college, or being happy and doing decent as I was before.

You want to know why I grades are so important to me? Because I'm HIS fucking girl, Im HIS damnit. I don't care if he's dead, I don't CARE, he's my boy… He was my boy… I have my gf I know but… These thoughts in my head, I want to succeed in life, for HIM. To prove im not a whore, that Im smart, his girl, that every lesson he taught me, every moment I spent with him… Wasn't wasted. I WANT to stay in that class to prove im worth something… That everything he put me through was… worth it…

People think I can handle the stress, the homework, the lessons, that they have high expectations… You want to know why I cut…. Because of the stress, the depression it caused. Im so kind, upbeat, ready to help others, but do anyone thing how I've been dealing with my own problems? Thing is… Some of you look to me for help… I have no one to look up to… My brother?... yes but.. its hard to explain… I just…  Nevermind…

I feel broken… Hurt… Because of some stupid class… I have the choice to change, but no one, NO ONE, but my gf thinks I should change… Everyone has high expectations, for one, can't someone think of me as a normal human being?.. That me, Autumn, has flaws?... IM NOT PERFECT DAMNIT!!... I just… I want to be me… I want to get in a good college, but I can't handle stress… Homework… Nothing… I cant handle it…


No one understands that… My brother is trying as hard as he can to help me, he says, he'll  tutor me but… I don't want to rely on him for everything… I can stand for myself… I just… I want to be independent… Just for once…


I want to cry, until I can't no more… But you know what… I fucking cant, cuz geuss what, I cant cry without someone barking up my tree interigating me on my depression…

For once…  Just… Leave me be… I want to quit… but no one will let me be… Ever thought of what I want?...


Just… Go to hell… let me be…

Where were you when I need you huh?... Who's your little girl, that girl who wanted to be your everything… Well she's dying… Because of it all…





I love my girlfriend... I do... And I want to move forward in life with her... But I cant fucking do that because of my past... It hurts to be stuck in depression.... I want to stay with her... Be her girl... Her autumn but... its so hard when you've worked so hard for something, to just change your plans and change... Its just... I love her so much... But Im so hurt...


So much to say, yet so little time. That is, if there's any time left.

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:iconalygatorleigh:
alygatorleigh Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Student General Artist
Well i don't know if this will help or not. But,maybe it could be you are trying to hard for this for something you really want or desperately need and,i think i have been in that situation before. So believe me when i say this: life can be very hard for each and every one of us but,there is a reason for these things and no its not supposed to frustrate or maybe even confuse us its probably supposed to help us.As i once heard on youtube: life keeps moving forward and i believe that,so maybe that means you should try to move forward the best you can and you may reply to this stating it is not that simple or something else but if you can take this under consideration.
Reply
:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
haha ^^" it's... not exactly like that. I mean. In a way, I am trying hard, but it's like. I can only go so far. Why stress myself so much to the point of mentaly breaking down (as shown above) when I can get put in a class where I have the same learning, but without that stress? Seems easier, no?

So... I wish I switch classes, no one will let me because they have "high expectations". I have high expectations too, but not everyone can shoot for the moon and actually make it.

Anyway, we've decided I'ma stay in this class until the end of 1st semester, my brother is going to help me, and my teacher ALOT more. So uh, yeah ^^"
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:iconalygatorleigh:
alygatorleigh Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Student General Artist
that is nice that your teacher/brother are going to help you and here is a quote from a poster in my science class: shoot for the moon,even if you miss you will land among the stars.I hope that you could say, helps you
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:iconshylyn-drawing-queen:
Shylyn-Drawing-Queen Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know you've got it a lot, lot worse than me, Autumn..But I love you <3 No matter what.. I don't 'understand' you, but I know what its like to have people not understand..have everyone think its easy for you. You've got it worse than me, I know..but at least I have a bit of knowledge of what its like.

I know I look up to you for advice, but you can always talk to me...Just even to rant off, venting DOES help..it just feels good to let it all out. Go ahead and note me, whenever, I'll listen :) I may not have the best feedback..but I'm here for you. If you need to talk, I'm here, don't forget that.
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:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks hun, honestly, no one can tell who's life is worse than others... But idk, I just, when I hear people will simple easy lives complain... I just want to scream and look them in the eye and tell them to shut up. Idk... I hate it when people say I understand because... They don't walk in my shoes... I mean... You can atleast adknowledge what I'm going through, and you have an idea and that... that's enough for me
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:iconshylyn-drawing-queen:
Shylyn-Drawing-Queen Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well yeah, but what I mean is that you've experience more than me...from what you've told me... And I know the feeling..I hear stuff all the time and I'm like "THAT'S NOTHING" and i get that, too..No one can understand anything. But I do acknowledge it, at the least, and I'm glad that's enough c:
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:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:huggle: btw, theres no shame in getting help. Atm I have to get help from my brother on homework XD but I'm sure I can help you if you EVER need it ^^"

Heh, not really ^^" I'm just another average girl (not really) but you get my point. I still have a long way to go..... Lol
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:iconshylyn-drawing-queen:
Shylyn-Drawing-Queen Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Eh I don't do homework..being in middle school and all..I just like- copy off people in the morning during homeroom...do the extra credits if I get off my lazy ass..

Haha yeah XD
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:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
haha ^^" in highschool it'll matter. blah. btw, in highschool, don't take too much you can't handle *cough, me* -.- lol
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:iconshylyn-drawing-queen:
Shylyn-Drawing-Queen Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well I'll hopefully make it through highschool somewhat easily...By then I'll have a plan for my sleeping problems and medication and all that...so I'll be slightly less stressed (but probably not by a lot) but next year I'm already enrolled in three special classes..my teachers insisted...but I think I can handle it. If I pass the classes..then I get open classes in highschool..If I'm a good student in highschool, when I'm a senior..I can get out early at like 1:00...that's what my brothers are able to do..

I don't really have anyone in RL to talk to..I have a friend I can vent to..but she doesn't really help... and another who's somewhat more experienced but he can only help me get through panic attacks..
The only other person is someone with a lot of experience of what I've been through..Which is my brother's GF that I've known for three years..
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:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
well... I hope you do better. Highschool is easier for me, but I still have those... break downs ever now and then. guess its just who I am. But anyway. I hope you succeed hun ^^" I'm sure you'll do great. But if not, I'm here.


I don't have anyone to talk to etheir... Im still working things out with my gf, I can't really talk about depression, etc. It just... It's hard on her so... I self control it. if i need to vent, I talk to someone on here. Atleast on here, I can express my thoughts easier.

I wont judge you if you need to vent, but then again... Im not by you in RL... *sighs* toughy
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(1 Reply)
:iconyoshidaisyfriends:
YoshiDaisyFriends Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
I'll be here, if thats ok with you~

I can't exactly say that understand, because I haven't gone through half of the stuff you did. I just want you to be ok, if someone can't see how inspiring you are, then they are so stupid.


Which reminds me. I'm pretty stupid...I failed in grammar a lot. Like really, most of my Grades are a C and below. :iconscaredmingplz:
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:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
*sighs* im just frusterated. When depression gets ahold of me i dont see straight. Ranting lets it out. This was just a bunch of... mixed thouhts. Ignore it.

But thanks. Im a straight A student so a B gives me panic attacks. Major.
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:iconyoshidaisyfriends:
YoshiDaisyFriends Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
K, still hope you will feel better~

And not exactly all my grades are bad. Just my grammar grades are really suckish. Yes, I know suckish isn't a word. :XD:
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:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Lol i mean.. in great at grammer. Spelling. Reading. Etc. I can A it but when it comes to homework... it gives me anxiety.. stress... depression. I cant handle it. And my honors class is the same as average literacy but wih more homework …

I want to look good for college. But... if i fail. Theres no point...
Reply
:iconyoshidaisyfriends:
YoshiDaisyFriends Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
Oh, gosh same here too. Tests don't worry me a whole lot.

Homework is the devil. ITS EVILLLLLLLL. :iconmermaidmanplz:
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:iconraven-the-foxx:
Raven-the-Foxx Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm here.
I can't say that I understand, because in a lot of ways I don't. Since I haven't walked in your shoes.

But I am here for you. (:
Reply
:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks hun. I just... i hate it when they say they understand. When they dont. We can be similar. But my frustration. My tears. R not theirs.
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:iconraven-the-foxx:
Raven-the-Foxx Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yes, I can imagine your frustration. Because they don't truly understand They may empathize, but they don't understand.
I'm sorry, hun. I truly am. I wish you didn't have to go through this pain.
<3 :hug:
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:iconbreadstiix:
breadstiix Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Student General Artist
I respect you, you can do anything, sorry for bothering
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:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Not at all ur nit bother...
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:iconbreadstiix:
breadstiix Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Student General Artist
^^ good, I just want you to be happy.
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:iconstarspirit160:
Starspirit160 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Student Writer
When your sad and depressed,
I will be here to put a smile on your face.

When your angry and frustrated,
I will be here to calm you down.

When your hurt and in tears,
I will be here to wipe them away and mend the pain.

When your lonely and have no one,
I will be here to comfort you.

When your feeling unloved and unwanted,
I will be here to tell you how very important you are.

When your having a bad day and need to lash out,
I will be here to let you let off steam, you can yell at me.

When there is something on your mind that you need to say,
I will be here to listen and understand.

When your lost in confusion,
I will be here to help you figure things out.

When you feel like your going crazy,
I will be here to bring you back to sanity.

When you are so overwhelmed and need to get away,
I will be here with open arms so we can runaway together.

When your scared and frightened,
I will be here to protect you and make you feel safe.

When you are full of worries,
I will be here to worry with you.

I promise that I will always be here for my loved ones, today, tomorrow and forever!


I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have bothered you, but I wanted to make you at least a bit happy. I'm really sorry for bothering you. And I don't know if you would want to be my friend, but all I know is, you're nice and gentle and anyone would be stupid to not see that. Again, I'm sorry for bothering
Reply
:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
that truly made me happy to read. Not too many people write like that. I do. But... just... thats alot to be held up too. I help anyone in need. ANYONE. But when it comes to myself... i dont know where to begin...
Reply
:iconstarspirit160:
Starspirit160 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Student Writer
I do too. I write down my emotions then put them into a poem and then read what I wrote to understand what my pain is. It makes me feel better partly because I love poems and partly because my mom used to write poems. And yeah, I feel the same. I really don't care about myself because I know I'm going to waste away, but my family and friends...I want to take care of them until they're ready to take care of themselves. I really don't like myself because I don't have a plan for myself. I mean, I want to go to college too, but it seems so hard. I really do understand you.
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:iconrising-at-midnight:
Rising-At-Midnight Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
When i sit down and think. I dont have a real future. I mean... i want to go to college but... why bother makig a future when u dknt even know if ur gonna make it this year? I think about those around me before myself because they have a future.. me?... i hope i do...
Reply
:iconstarspirit160:
Starspirit160 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Student Writer
You and I think the same thing, really. I feel like I won't survive the school year and get to do the most I love, becoming a veterinarian so I know how you feel. When I have too much HW, I break down and cry, but I try my best to do a bit. Here's a quote that I found a month ago that helped me keep on going:

If you lay down, people will step all over you. But if you keep scrambling, if you keep going, someone will always, always give you a hand. Always. But you gotta keep dancing, you gotta keep your feet moving.
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